Geen blogstukje in het Nederlands, dit stukje komt het best tot zijn recht in het Engels. Helaas is het zo dat iedereen, zeker tegenwoordig, het Engels moet beheersen, spreken en schrijven, dwz ook begrijpen en lezen. Meer van dit soort stukjes zijn te vinden op https://medium.com/mind-cafe
How to Win Arguments with Stupid, Stubborn People
A full solution from the best debaters in the world.
Winston Churchill was arguing with a woman at a dinner party.
Churchill was a difficult man, with a strong personality and a willingness to stand behind his point.
The two went back and forth until she finally said, “If I were your wife, I’d poison your coffee.”
Churchill retorted, “If I were your husband, I’d drink it.”
I never think of those comebacks in the heat of the moment. It’s always during my drive home that I realize I could have totally owned this other person. The French have a saying for this, “L’esprit D’escalier” — or stairway wit.
The truth is — I hate arguing. I don’t like conflict. But I’ve studied the hell out of argumentation because it’s so important.
Making a good, strong argument is necessary for securing a raise, deescalating a conflict, suffering fools, protecting friendships, and much more.
Snipe an argument like a champ
Rule 1: Don’t come in too hot — and that doesn’t just refer to emotions.
For example, in courtrooms, it’s proven that witnesses are more credible to juries when they express moderate, rather than low or high confidence. It has a direct impact on verdict outcomes and sentencing.
When you have low confidence, you seem unsure of yourself and what you're saying.
When you have high confidence, you seem overbearing, insecure, or driven by ego (“I have to win!”).
As fun and memorable as Churchill’s example was, it wasn't the most efficient way to win someone over.
Scientist, Paul Graham, created a hierarchy of disagreement, ranking the best and worst strategies for debate. The lowest are personal attacks and name-calling.
The #1 way to argue is to stick with a strong central point. Don’t repeat it over and over. Just build everything around it.
Staying focused is extremely important during relationship fights. One of the most common advice from marriage counselors is, “Always stick to the thing you’re arguing about.”
No pulling other skeletons and resentments out of the closet.
“You want to talk about sharing chores but you can’t even pay your own bills.”
“And you wonder why I hate your fatass family.”
You would be shocked by how many nice, polite people grow devil horns when fighting with their spouses.
They turn a simple disagreement into a nuclear holocaust.
By the end of the argument, your head is spinning and on fire. You can’t even remember what the original argument was about.
Arguing when you are certain you are correct
There’s nothing better than knowing you can dunk on someone.
You know you have the science. You have the logic. You have the standards for human decency.
Chill.
When you come in guns blazing with all of your clear evidence, the other person will lock up. They’ll feel bullied and incapable of hearing you out.
The best arguers are proven to use a small number of key points. They don’t rapid-fire or clap in the person's face while they talk.
They ask questions. They know changing someone’s mind is damn-near impossible. By asking questions, that person will change their own mind.
Great arguers stay calm, kind, and empathetic — no matter how ignorant or stupid their target is.
They often open by acknowledging the things they agree on. Quite often, they compliment their opponent in the first minute.
Opening soft is disarming. It’s unexpected. It highlights a desire for consensus rather than war and condescension.
I’ve spent the past five years writing on the internet — on platforms where anyone can comment.
It’s the worst. I have a courtside seat at every game of the Golden State Keyboard Warriors.
In all of that name-calling and horrible language and aggression, I’ve never seen a single person stop and say, “You know what, you are right. I’m wrong. We’ve all learned a lot today.”
Not once.
Persuasion starts with kindness, not fire. It’s as HG Wells wrote, “The first man to raise a fist is the man who’s run out of ideas.”
Dealing with real-life yelling and toxicity
I’d been dating a woman for a few months. We had an otherwise good and healthy relationship that was loving and sweet.
There’d been a disagreement, we were discussing and — suddenly — she blew up and started screaming. She shouted at the top of her lungs for six or seven sentences in a row.
Prior to this, she'd never raised her voice in the slightest. I was completely caught off guard and stunned.
I didn’t say anything.
There are only two healthy ways of handling this situation. One — you end the discussion. Therapists frequently say that even responding validates that person's verbal abuse (yes, shouting is considered verbal abuse — full stop).
Two, you sidestep.
Forget the actual discussion. Have a discussion about the discussion.
When someone is upset suddenly, express calm curiosity at their emotions and why they are upset.
Staying calm conveys your own strength while also validating that you care about their emotions.
The worst possible thing you can do is shout back.
The takeaway to being a great arguer
Stay calm and confident but don’t stray into the land of overconfidence.
Show empathy and a goal of progress.
Keep the argument focused in one lane. Don’t let it spiral out into six different arguments.
Start by acknowledging things you agree on.
Stick to a few strong points. Don’t overpower them and feel the need to dominate if you have the advantage.
The idea is for both of you to walk away feeling you’ve evolved from the discussion.
It’s difficult to stay kind and understanding in the face of idiocy and aggression.
But if you do it — you’ll be the real champion. You’ll walk away proud of your actions rather than regretting them.
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While walking down the street one day a Corrupt M.P. (that may be redundant) was tragically hit by a car and died.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the M.P.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.."
"Really? I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the M.P.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the lift and he goes down, down, down to hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.
In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of thepeople.
They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are all having such a good time that before the M.P. realises it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the lift doors close.
The lift goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven...”
So, 24 hours passed with the M.P. joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity." The M.P. reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the lift and he goes down, down, down to hell... Now the lift doors open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the rubbish and putting it in black bags as more rubbish falls to the ground.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.
"I don't understand," stammers the M.P. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of rubbish and my friends look miserable.
What happened?"
The devil smiles at him and says: "Yesterday we were campaigning, Today, you voted.."
Vote wisely in the next election!
Thanks to my dear friend Janet from Chiqwell for keeping us informed.
;-)
Explanation about why this video for all my not Spanish-speaking readers: this video is about the Historical Memory of the Spanish people that lost so many loved ones before, during and after the Civil War and are still guessing, after all these years, what happened to them, where they are burried, where the children were send to. There was a pact between parties at the time, just after Franco died, to let all the passed misery be, but this pact has proved to be the knive that separates Spain in two, still and until this day! In the video, actors come back as 'spirits' of people killed for the sake of killing oponents of the 'Dictadura de Franco y el franquismo' (1937-1975).
No tuve juício, ni abogado ni sentencia... : I didn't get a trial, nor a lawyer, nor was I sentenced...
By putting this video on my blog I add my blog and bloggername to the list of those who want this Historical Memory to be opened and investigated. The brave and excellent judge Baltasar Garzón was incriminated last year by Falange, the still active and ultra right semi-political action group, that was founded in the days of Franco. Baltasar Garzón was investigating some of the crimes commited by people that still find their way in Spanish politics...... still! Baltasar Garzón is at the moment working in the International Court of Justice in The Hague. In Spain he was relieved of his job, he will probably have to go to court in September this year.
A wound as deep as this, caused by the unopened files of the crimes of the Spanish Civil War should never have been covered, but should have been rinsed out a long time ago..... There is no way Spanish society will overcome the pain,.....no way, unless everything is brought out in the open and people can finally burry their death.
With my deepest respect to all those who have to live with the lie, still without knowing the truth!
